I mean is there really a point, being proud of the fact that Indonesia is a maritime nation since two-thirds of it are the sea, if we can’t get the water to vote? —
Eventually, being in love can find itself being similar into hanging an air-freshener in your car; During the first couple of days you can clearly smell it and then later on you start to grow immune of it and unlike other people that can still inhale the citrus or lavender you’ve put, you start wondering where’d the scent go. —
When life gives me lemon, I’m gonna be honest and tell her that giving lemons is getting old and she needs to find a new and more relevant aphorism.—
During my school years, I’m someone who could never comprehend my teacher’s answer; because once she pointed out “Good question,” to what I was asking, I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.—
Sometimes I’m thinking that if a doctor falls in love with a pharmacist, they could go as literal-kinky as they desire since nobody in the universe would be able to read a single damn thing in their handwritten love letters.—
When you see something on television, label it “alay”, and go “I’m not gonna watch this!,” chances are there are at least 20.000 people or two-thirds of your city who enjoy seeing it and wonder why you won’t—
Being in a relationship of any kind sort of means that you have to be responsible of the feeling of the party that you’re involved with while holding back a few of your issues yourself. More or less like trying to walk through a desert with nothing but a bowl of water that has your favorite pet fish inside it.—
Saya ingin menjelaskan bagaimana menurut saya, kata ‘jelas’ dan segala bentuk aplikasinya sebagai kata sifat, kata benda atau kata kerja sepertinya sangat populer. Jelas sekali bahwa kita sangat menyukai kata ‘jelas’ ini. Banyak contoh penjelasan akan teori soal kecintaan kita terhadap kata ‘jelas’ yang bisa saya jelaskan. Tapi alasannya kenapa, masih belum jelas.
Misal, secara teknis, kita pergi ke sekolah hanya untuk mendengarkan penjelasan guru selama lebih dari setengah hari. Apa yang guru kita jelaskan sudah pasti jelas untuk kita? Belum tentu. Guru harus bisa tahu dengan jelas bahwa kita, sebagai murid yang menerima penjelasan, mengerti betul apa yang sudah mereka jelaskan. Lahirlah konsep PR, Ulangan, Ujian, Tes Praktek, dan seterusnya.
Enam tahun proses ini diulang terus-menerus dan di akhir tahun keenam, pemerintah pun ikut andil dalam memastikan kejelasan penjelasan guru terhadap murid-muridnya dengan membawa indikator kejelasan penjelasan itu dalam taraf nasional. Namanya Ujian nasional. Tujuannya supaya kita bisa lulus dan naik ke tingkat sekolah menengah. Jelas. Walaupun, kejelasan alasan dari pemilihan cara untuk memastikan bahwa penjelasan guru selama enam tahun di sekolah tingkat menengah itu bisa jelas hanya dalam tiga hari saja, sangat tidak jelas.
Itu baru satu contoh yang menggambarkan bagaimana kita sangat menyukai kata ‘jelas’. Masih banyak contoh penjelasan lain yang mungkin lebih jelas dari penjelasan saya barusan atau bisa jadi tidak sejelas penjelasan saya barusan. Kalau penjelasan saya di atas jelas sejelas-jelasnya, maka kamu sebagai pembaca tidak perlu menjawab ‘jelas!’ jika saya tanya, ‘jelas?’ - Karena dengan kalian diam, itu dengan jelas menunjukkan bahwa penjelasan saya sudah jelas bagi kalian. Tapi, kalau kalian merasa penjelasan saya ini tidak jelas dalam artian yang sama dengan ungkapan “Nggak jelas lu!”, maka sesungguhnya komentar semacam itu justru akan semakin menjelaskan penjelasan saya bahwa kata ‘jelas’ dan bentukan-bentukannya sangatlah populer. Bahkan kalian pun menggunakannya.
Tapi yang jelas, tidak peduli seberapa populernya kata ‘jelas’ di dunia ini, seorang penulis blog humor di tumblr tidak mungkin mengeksploitasi penggunaan kata ‘jelas’ dan segala bentukannya. Apalagi saya.
I think at some point of our lives, we’d wish that we were Tarzan and live in a world where the demands and preferences of gifts from family and relatives on any occasions are relatively simplified.
You only need to plant a banana tree and you’d get yourself ready to get through birthdays, anniversaries, valentine’s, graduations, promotions, thanksgivings, new babies, farewells, christmas, and all you need is a set of different colored-ribbons.
For making “What a thoughtful present!” seems that effortless, I’d say fuck you, Tarzan.
Sudah pagi lagi ternyata. Sepi. Jendela-jendelanya masih gelap sih. Lapar.
Mereka belum mengisi piringku, lagi. Harus berapa kali sih aku berteriak-teriak agar diisi lagi piringku? Benar-benar bodoh. Yah, kalau mereka pintar mereka tidak akan percaya segala tipu dayaku sih. Dengan mata bulat…
“If I have a problem that I understand to be unbearable for me at that moment, I’ll just go to sleep. This way, I will know. If I wake up again, that means God is being kind for giving me a preliminary rest; but still believe that the problem is feasible enough. That means I have to face it and take care of it once this phase of peaceful procrastination known as ‘sleep’ ends. But if I die during the sleep and never have to wake up to resolve it, that means: 1.) The problem is some sort of a real deep shit in which God failed to find the solution Himself and failed to understand why on His own name He even bestowed it on me, and 2.) We both silently agreed to take the easy way out. Either way, I love His sense of humor.”—Me. Well, who else?
Every now and then I think we’ve stopped evolving as humans.
Evidence? We need instructions on—almost—everything we buy. Simply go to the nearest fast food joint to see why I despair our problem solving skills. According to some food products, we are some clueless bipedal beings. Grab a ketchup sachet and look at it. See how there are dashed lines on the corner with ‘tear here’ written in order to let you know on how to extract the content of the sachet. To be honest, I’m glad they were being very specific about what to do and where to do it.
First, it’s ‘tear.’ A specific approach among other possibilities of deconstructing a material. Thank God, I would’ve put the sachet inside the microwave and set it on the heat required to reheat cold pancakes; if cutting it in half with razor blades didn’t give any satisfying results.
Second, it’s ‘here.’ Not there, not in the middle, not on the sides, and not on the bottom tip. I’m guessing they have their own reason. Who knows? This must have taken a couple of trial and errors. The effect is probably that bad so they feel obliged to let all consumers know the best spot to tear your ketchup without letting you know what will happen had you make the wrong decision.
So please, for your own safety, pay attention about where the brand suggests you to tear their ketchup sachet. It will make them feel appreciated. Ergo, continue to assist our cluelessness to survive.
I would love to believe in the afterlife if only there’s a certainty given to us in which the life is considered different compared to the one I’m staging. Like, are the buses clean? How late can gas stations stay open? Or have them people finally figured out what will they do with the bread crusts that most of us have thrown away while living. Because if there’s none, I’d rather die once and for all, end it here, and turn non-existent rather than be reanimated in a place no different than the former.
There is romance,
And there is love.
There are reports of a heart-robbing beauty whose victim I know.
I can’t hesitate or wait, ‘Cause I don’t speak that language.
I don’t know that tone,
I can’t translate from right to wrong,
I can just call it love.
Yes, you heard right, I call it love.
There is romance,
And there is love.
That seems to be the only system that they know of.
But why be satisfied with only love when there are games you should know of; such as romance and turtledoves.
Who wonder if it’s love?
I wanna call it love.
Can we dance instead of walking?
We wanna break in to love’s industry,
Lie down where it’s machinery slows down.
When we’ve danced our socks off and it’s late, we’ll lie down to anticipate “forever.”
When we romance, I feel a part of the loveliest human creature that I know by far.
Who stays away from other boys ‘cause she knows where she is; Life or death or love.
Where she is thought so highly of where someone calls her “love”, I wanna call it love.
When we dance,
We are chemistry without chemicals; A constant chain outside us both, remember?
I’ve never felt so right before.
And chances are it could be so.
Can we dance instead of walking?
We wanna break into love’s industry, Lie down where it’s machinery slows down.
When we’ve danced our socks off and it’s late, we’ll lie down to anticipate “forever.”
There is romance that changes its course.
Or just sad statistics I answer with anti-remorse.
When I am satisfied, don’t tell me so.
Just let me go on and on and on.
And as I wake up by your side,
I’ll know that it is love.
Or at least I call it love.
My favorite proof when it comes to the notion that humans love challenges and testing the limits is the fact that we, as human-beings, decided to eat animals.
Here’s an illustration to help you think. I once read in a diet program article — don’t ask me why I had to —, and it was said that fruits and vegetables are nature’s default food and nutrition source. Meaning, without eating anything else, they can provide you almost all the nutrition you need to sustain life. I think that makes a lot of sense; because I suddenly remember a girl from my high-school that decided to turn vegan four years ago and the fact that she hasn’t died yet. Well, I hope so. I’ll go check on that later.
And come to think of it, nature made it easy for us since the old days indeed. Everything’s right there already. It’s a grab-and-go buffet. Minus the “Sayur dan buahnya kakaaak!”, vegetations were like a retail display glass to us. They don’t move around occasionally, they don’t fly, they don’t technically swim, they don’t bite, and they don’t climb. They are planted, pretty much like an anorexic couch potato.
Imagine how our lifestyle as omnivores started. I assume that our pre-historic great great grandmas and granddads were probably enjoying the day as herbivores, living just fine, harvesting regularly, continuously consuming fruits and vegetables… until someone, instead of having the easy way, decided to get a little creative.
“Hey John, you know those big cats that live near the mountain?”
“The sabertooth tigers?”
“Yeah, with those sword-like fangs and razor-sharp claws, right?”
“Yeah, whose size is three times taller and bigger than us, five times quicker than us, and can kill both of us in a single attack. What about them?”
Oke, sudah hampir 12 jam berlalu dari 24 jam terakhir yang saya miliki -menurut suku Maya- sebagai penduduk bumi. Kalau boleh jujur, saya belum rela jika kiamat benar-benar terjadi hari ini. Masih banyak yang ingin saya capai di hidup ini dan saya belum puas menikmati hobi baru saya: pergi ke bioskop untuk menonton film-film Indonesia dan bergumam, “Loh kok, Reza Rahadian lagi?”
Lagi pula, saya heran dengan ramalan kiamat ini. Mari kita bicarakan kedua pihak yang mendukung terjadinya rumor akan kiamat 2012 ini. Kita mulai dari pihak yang pertama: Oknum-oknum yang selalu mencoba meyakinkan kita bahwa ramalan mereka mengenai kiamat di tahun 2012 itu benar adanya.
Dugaan saya, orang-orang ini tidak paham betul konsep meramal dan ramalan.
Bagi saya, hal terbaik yang kita bisa dapat dari keberhasilan suatu ramalan yang kita buat adalah efek yang kita dapat setelah ramalan itu terjadi. Sama seperti jarak tempuh jogging yang sering orang-orang post di media sosial, terbuktinya sebuah ramalan harusnya menjadi sesuatu yang bisa membuat pelakunya mendapat respek dan kesempatan untuk menyombongkan diri di depan semua orang. Apa yang bisa mengalahkan nikmatnya membusungkan dada, menepuknya dengan bangga lalu berkata,
“Benar, kan? gua bilang juga apa?”,
“Nggak percaya sama gua sih lo semua..” ,
“Benar kan, film ini Reza Rahadian lagi?”
Walaupun akting Reza memang terbilang luar biasa sehingga bisa memberikannya lebih dari satu peran sepanjang tahun ini, tapi bukan itu poin saya. Saya masih lebih mengagumi akting Tio Pakusadewo yang sepertinya lebih serba bisa. Tapi hey! Ini juga bukan poin saya. Poin saya adalah, hanya setelah yang diucapkan oleh seorang peramal terbukti benar dan terjadi, barulah seorang peramal bisa mendapatkan kredibilitas untuk dipercaya akan ramalan-ramalan berikutnya.
Apalagi sekarang adalah era media sosial, atau era yang biasa saya sebut dengan era yang mungkin akan membuat para nabi iri setengah mati melihat betapa mudahnya orang-orang yang hidup di jaman ini mengumpulkan pengikut (followers) di Twitter. Dijamin, peramal yang ramalannya terbukti benar, popularitasnya di Twitter bisa melejit lebih cepat dari jeda transisi Aurel Hermansyah putus menuju punya pacar baru. Gurita saja dianggap hebat bisa meramalkan juara piala dunia FIFA, apalagi orang.
Lalu sekarang pertanyaannya, buat apa orang-orang itu meramalkan kiamat? Kalaupun ramalan mereka terjadi, mereka ikut mati, bukan? Apa yang mau disombongkan? Kalau kiamatnya terjadi, apa mereka sempat bangga? Apa ketika gunung-gunung meletus, bumi terbelah, langit runtuh, mereka akan terkenal karena mereka telah memprediksikan ini? Apa akan ada sutradara film yang terinspirasi untuk memfilmkannya? Atau mereka berharap mereka akan mendapat penghargaan dari Bapak Presiden karena berhasil dengan prediksi mereka? Kalau memang iya, saya ingin sekali melihatnya! Saya yakin itu akan menjadi proses pemberian penghargaan paling cepat yang pernah terjadi di negara kita.
Kita lanjutkan ke pihak kedua, yaitu orang-orang yang membuat kesimpulan akan kiamat itu sendiri. Kalian pasti sudah dengar bahwa rumor akan datanganya kiamat di Desember 2012 adalah karena beberapa dari kita menemukan sebuah sistem penanggalan yang dibuat oleh peradaban Maya; di mana tampak bahwa siklus penanggalan itu berhenti di Desember 2012. Menurut saya hebat, ada orang yang bisa ke luar sana dan mencari lalu menemukan sistem penanggalan ini sementara sebagian besar lainnya masih mengeluh karena belum menemukan jodoh… di internet.
Saya punya sebuah teori naif mengenai ini. Pertama, dari yang saya baca, Suku Maya diperkirakan hidup sekitar 5000-an tahun yang lalu. Kedua, “kalender” suku Maya yang kita temukan itu berupa lingkaran pipih batu raksasa dengan penanggalan yang dipahat; dan siklusnya habis di Desember 2012. Ketiga, kita menemukan ini, melihat ini lalu langsung berasumsi bahwa Desember 2012 adalah akhir jaman. Kiamat? Oh ya? Mari berpikir.
Kalender ini BATU. Kalender batu ini BESAR. Dan kalender batu besar ini -jika belum cukup menakjubkan bagi kalian- DIPAHAT. Saya memang tidak tahu preferensi perkerjaan kalian bagaimana, apa yang kalian lakukan saat weekend, apa kalian rutin mengganti celana dalam kalian, dan memang sejujurnya ketiganya bukanlah urusan saya sama sekali. Tapi kalau saya hidup 5000 tahun yang lalu, dan pekerjaan saya adalah pemahat kalender batu, percayalah,
Di satu titik saya akan lelah memahat kalender. Gila apa lo.
“Man, Gua kelar! Cukup! Bodo amat, ini liat ini kalender! Gua udah ngerjain sampe Desember 2012! DESEMBER DUA RIBU DUA BELAS! Ini kalender bisa mereka pakai sampai 5000 tahun!! Apa gunanya juga gua lanjutin? Siapa juga yang masih nginget gua sebagai pemahat kalender ini nantinya? I’ve done my part! Bodo amat gua tinggal ini kalender, gua cari kerjaan lain aja. Kalo sampe tahun 2012 mereka belum juga menemukan cara untuk ngelanjutin ini kalender, then fuck them. Mereka gagal sebagai manusia beradab. Bukan salah gua. Udah ah, makan siang aja yuk.”
Suku Maya bukan meramalkan kiamat, kawan. Mereka hanya mengalami downsizing di bagian produksi kalender.
Lagi pula, jika Suku Maya benar bahwa hari ini benar hari terakhir di bumi, Ya sudahlah. Saya berencana untuk keluar rumah dan menghirup udara segar saja. Saya tidak punya keingininan untuk bertahan hidup sebagai last man standing yang mungkin nantinya mampu melakukan re-populasi dunia dengan generasi-generasi baru. Pertama, karena saya tidak punya insting bertahan hidup ditengah bencana, kedua, lupakan re-populasi karena saya tidak punya ovarium.
Jika itu belum cukup sulit, kebutuhan pokok saya sebagai manusia sudah bertambah dari tiga menjadi tujuh: Makanan, air, tissue basah, koneksi internet, colokan, Nutella, dan kafein. Tujuh hal yang agak mustahil dicari jika saya hidup sebagi satu-satunya orang di planet ini. Jika ketujuh kebutuhan pokok saya itu bisa dipastikan sulit terpenuhi, lebih baik sore nanti saya berjalan santai menuju badai atau berenang di lahar dan mengucapkan “dadah!” saja kepada hidup ini.
Semoga saja Tuhan menyambut saya dengan baik dan berkata “Ayo masuk, kamu sudah sampai di surga!” kalau benar itu yang akan terjadi, saya tentunya akan mati dengan senang hati karena saya yakin itu lebih menenangkan dibanding berhasil melewati kiamat, bertahan hidup, namun menghabiskan sisa umur mencemaskan apakah Sabrina akan menyanyikan Gangnam Style versi akustik lewat speaker di setiap sudut mall atau tidak.
Sebuah post singkat, karena pikiran ini terlalu menggelitik.
Saya yakin sebagian dari kalian sekarang sedang membaca post ini sambil bersiap menuju istirahat penutup hari, sebelum kembali beraktivitas beberapa jam lagi. Saya bilang sebagian karena mungkin yang berakhir di halaman blog ini adalah mereka yang melihat link blog ini melintas di public timeline Twitter mereka; yang bagi mereka adalah rutinitas persiapan tidur. Halo!
Pertanyaan sederhana, berapa banyak dari kalian yang baru saja menghabiskan malam bersama sahabat atau kawan? Jalan-jalan? Meeting? Nonton? Makan? Atau hanya nongkrong sambil ngobrol menghabiskan waktu? Apapun kondisinya, saya yakin sebagian besar dari kita selalu menikmati bertemu dengan teman; baik direncanakan ataupun tidak.
Oh, kecuali seks. Yang direncanakan biasanya lebih minim resiko.
Yang menjadi perhatian saya adalah cara kita mengakhiri masing-masing pertemuan itu. Saya yakin saya tidak akan meleset jika saya tebak bahwa kalian seringkali berpisah dengan kalimat “Sampai ketemu lagi, ya!”
Kesal juga untuk menyadari bahwa dalam ungkapan itu sama sekali tidak tersirat adanya pesan bahwa yang mengucapkannya benar-benar ingin pertemuan itu terulang. Bandingkan dengan “Sampai besok di kantor ya!”, atau “Sampai nanti malam jam 8 ya!” yang lebih konkrit soal lokasi dan waktu.
Ungkapan “Sampai ketemu lagi, ya!” menunjukkan kepasrahan tanpa tanda-tanda adanya pikiran atau bahkan rencana untuk mengusahakan sebuah pertemuan lanjutan.
Kalau alasannya karena “Kan kita nggak bisa menjamin bahwa kita pasti bertemu lagi!”, bukannya semua hal juga seperti itu? Apa salahnya sedikit menunjukkan bahwa dalam ketidakmampuan kita memprediksi masa depan, kita menciptakan sebuah target penuh resiko gagal yang didasari keinginan untuk bertemu lagi dengan teman kita?
Mulai sekarang, jika saya menikmati sebuah pertemuan, saya akan menggunakan pertanyaan “Jadi kapan kita bisa ketemu lagi?” untuk mengakhirinya; agar teman saya tahu bahwa saya menikmati pertemuan ini dan ingin sekali mengetahui kemungkinan lokasi dan waktu di mana itu (mungkin) bisa terulang lagi.
Karena, di kepala saya, “Sampai ketemu lagi, ya!” telah berubah menjadi semacam bentuk lain dari ”Saya sih nggak berencana bikin effort untuk ketemu kamu lagi. Tapi ya, kalau di kemudian hari nggak sengaja ketemu atau kita eventually memang harus ketemu lagi, ya gapapa.”
“You see that multi-colored, arc-shaped thing in the distance? Near the horizon? Yea that one, the one that appears at the end of the rain? I’m gonna make a cake just like that.”—Some asshole that initiated the idea of Rainbow Cake
Here I am, being the king of my own lazy-self, who’s comfortably welded in the couch, with the eagerness of moving any limbs fading away gradually. That was such a thoughtful description for something that can be easily described as ‘Pewe’.
I suppose I’m not the only one finding themselves in such condition oftenly, no? Yea you know what I’m talking about. Everything’s within your reach. The snacks, the pillows, that specific body organ that you can scratch……
The whole condition is stated above, and right now I’m succumbed to my phone including its internet service; enjoying myself. Then, with some extraordinary timing, my friend just sent me a text asking me to watch him go for a live interview on national television promoting his youth movement project. Douche.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see him. But as the universe succeeded to conspire, right now the TV remote is being the equivalent of Star Wars’ galaxy: far far away.
Here I am, posting this yet still asking myself whether or not I have the energy to go. Does it worth detaching myself from this couch, putting on my pants, and get mobilized 50 centimeters to my right?
No, please don’t corner me using how there’s a child in Africa dying while I’m lazily contemplating this. The children in Africa is dying regardless what people are doing. Here’s the thing: For every ‘for every (noun) that you (verb), a child dies in Africa’ remark that you make, a child dies in Africa. Leave them out of this.
I know how to get to the decision. I’ll just tweet it. As I usually do. As where people usually get to when they need approvals or advices. I’ll ask the Twitterverse. Oh, wait! Probably I’ll just tweet it to my friend whom going on that live-interview myself. Yea, that can be more direct. That ought to settle it. That will.. Shit.
My battery’s running low. Gah. See how far internet and comfort can suck efficiencies out of us? I could’ve just changed the channel 10 minutes ago instead of posting this. All for the price of approvals. For the price of humanity. For price of African children. For the price of Tumblr post. For the price of a fuckin TV show. For the price of a remote.
Just as I screened through my mom’s wall-cabinet next to the bathroom mirror, a revelation came. Look at all these stuff. This shampoo contains honey, that cream contains cocoa, this lotion contains vanilla, that moisturizer contains almond, and that hair tonic contains lemon.
Hands down, The Body Shop is exactly where you should go to if you want to bake a cake.
So a couple of weeks ago, me and my friends finally graduated from college. We’ve done it precisely on four years’ length.
So, on one fine afternoon, we all gathered together in a large hall with numbered seats, sitting down in large groups like history class; only way more boring.
Then, just then, I look around and realized something from the look on their faces; and I bet my ugly toe on this: Nobody actually liked graduation. They surely were looking forward to graduating, but not the graduation. I don’t think sitting on your flat-ass with a funny-looking robe for six hours straight is -at the very least- can be considered as ‘ceremonial’. Graduation is pretty much like a very good bathroom concert; Only weirdos are there to enjoy it.
As for myself, put the dullness aside, I was grateful that I finally made it to the finish line. I wanted to celebrate that moment by congratulating everyone in that room whom I can bump to. Tons of “Congratulations, we did it!” were thrown along with high-fives and hugs and fist-bumps. As I cherished our friendship and struggle that has been there for the past four years, most of them managed to touch the deepest ‘what!?’ part of my soul by saying,
"Yeah! Now it’s time to face reality!"
What reality are you talking about? Job-seeking, getting involved in the industry, or worse, being unemployed kind of reality? Heck, school has been a reality for as long as I can remember. I shit my pants on my second week being a kindergarten freshman. I surely hoped that was just an imagination, but it wasn’t. Shit was very real. - pun intended.
But oh well, I’m glad they made such remark in hope to gear themselves for the future.
It’s just amusing to know that it took them a lot of course-credits and four years of study plan to figure out that college years were just a dream.
Which brings a finger-clicking conclusion that the cause of a success are women. Which brings another one to the table that says men won’t be successful if they work it on their own; let alone to influence others. Either way, the world has grown to believe that women are the key to have success in one’s disposal.
I, in addition to that, believe that was how Dorce Gamalama decided.
Ingin sekali rasanya saya memberi tahu anak-anak usia sekolah dasar masa kini agar tidak mudah tertipu. Paling tidak saya ingin mereka tahu bahwa jika mereka memiliki game console paling mutakhir atau kolam renang di bagian belakang rumah mereka, ada kemungkinan bahwa teman-teman mereka berkunjung/main bukan atas dasar persahabatan.
Mengingat masa kecil memang sering kali memberikan pencerahan-pencerahan tertentu mengenai betapa cepat waktu berlalu. Dan juga mengenai ketidakmampuan saya membedakan mana teman masa kecil dan mana yang hanya mau numpang main SEGA di rumah saya.
I think one of the best things about children is their naivety on almost anything. There were times when children would swallow and perceive things as a whole straight into their minds without any refusal that consists logic and critical thinking. They don’t even get sarcasms. For an adult, typically an adult who’s lazy at explaining things to children like me, these are the best times to communicate with them. Now I get why my nanny used to give made-up disclaimers about how each grain of rice I’m eating will wail if I left them uneaten. To make her job quicker. Because I’ll eat faster that way. Because she was just as fucking lazy then as I am now.
If you’re just as lazy as I am on elaborating stuff to children, pay attention to these periods, because it will pass away sooner than you think. With todays’ television and its kids’ program, our children are getting more and more curious and critical because those shows encourage them to. Cherish their blatant nods, before it’s too late and you find yourself drowning in their quicksand of ‘but why?’-s.
I don’t have a point. This is a blog post, why should there be one? I was just thinking that maybe those fairy tales writers didn’t even bother to induce some logical reasonings or explanations about the whereabouts in which the story took place.
“I’m not gonna waste my fucking time to do research and give a specific, real setting to each one of these stories! What if the children fell in love with the settings? And then they will think that such place exists. Real. They will spend the rest of their lives looking forward to go to the tower which Rapunzel was imprisoned in, the ballroom which Cinderella left her shoe in. Fuck that, I’ll just just go with ‘far far away’ to tie those loose ends. Kids hate long trips. They are the source of endless ‘are we there yet?’ on the road. Let’s make them think that going to wonderland will take much much longer than a visit to granny’s house at the countryside. So yeah, ‘far far away’ it is. Might also work for galaxy stories. I’ll tel Lucas about the aim.”
I bet that’s how they went. Well played, storytellers. You’re no better than my Nanny.
Every time I find myself widely awake in the middle of the night, a blank stare I made to the ceiling usually brings up some company.
Though most of the time it’s nothing or a lousy neighbor that I sedated, I can really tell that right now, this house gecko that stick dully on the wall and being still knows exactly how I feel. Oh I bet it does.
Tuesday has just started yet it has done a great job introducing a new friend.
"TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON" review (spoiler-free).
Any movie enthusiast would obviously agree that if the middle franchise of your trilogy involves a giant humanoid robot anal-raping a cement mixer in front of the pyramids with two over-talkative ghetto robots that fart, the only way from there is up. luckily I had the chance to travel outside my country to watch Michael Bay’s redemption myself. So here we go.
I went in to the theatre with an opened mind and a decision that I would treat this sequel more fairly. Why? Because to be frank, I had a lot of hassles with Revenge Of The Fallen so I wasn’t really expecting much with Dark Of The Moon. Especially when..
"It’ll be be better than the last one, it will be much more darker and more emotional"
.. quite succeeded. has become phrase of the year that Michael Bay repeatedly says throughout the media for the past year about what he has in store for the fans that are afoot for his third treat. When I finally walked out of the theatre, I would say that Bay -
So what is it about? Here’s a short-trip:
A few months clear of college, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has a hot new girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), and a lot of time on his hands: he can’t get a job to save himself, no matter how many times he mentions that “POTUS” gave him a medal.
We learn this after a handy prologue that explains how Earth ended up in the pickle that won Witwicky his medals. To wit, how the Autobots and Decepticons’ war came to Earth via… the Moon! Yes, it turns out an Autobot spacecraft crashed into the dark side of the Moon back in 1961, and the ensuing space race between the USA and USSR was not so much to make giant leaps for mankind, but to recon some sort of alien technology.
Since then - and since we last left Optimus Prime and his friends - the Autobots have been working with the US military, popping off around the world to dish out justice to an assortment of central casting villains of nondescript non-Caucasian appearance.
Meanwhile, people with intel about NASA’s Space Race-era involvement with the Autobots are being picked off one-by-one by a Decepticon assassin (Laserbeak).
The extended US military/Autobot crew puts two and two together to make five, and a sulking Optimus throws a bitch fit back at the base to convince the Secretary of Defense (Frances McDormand) to allow them to retrieve the crashed spaceship’s pilot - Sentinel Prime - from the Moon to avoid certain Decepticon victory. Megatron, exiled in generic Africa, gets wind of all this and springs into action, too. Eventually you will learn that there is a plan afoot to reboot Cybertron in downtown Chicago, which endangered the human race.
All of this and the film is not even a third of the way through
Relating about whether or not Dark Of The Moon impressed me, the fact that our country won’t even get the chance to sip this thirst-quenching summer blockbuster made me seeDark Of The Moon as a glass that’s half-full rather than half-empty.
So let’s get down to the big question. How’s that girl replacing Megan Fox? To be honest Megan Fox at this point wa.. wait what? Oh, the other question, you mean? The “was it good or not” one? Okay, okay, pardon me.
For me, yes, Dark Of The Moon clearly exhibits things that defined Michael Bay as a director. It’s a massive, explosive, boisterous, rowdy, mouth-agaping movie filled with immoderate special effects spectacle that might as well be called “Return Of The Most Orgasmic Computer Generated Destruction Derby Of All Time 3”. It was just as grand as you cinematic devotees have been expecting. Nothing more. It’s just how it’s always been right? Since the 2007 hit, Bay has definitely outdone himself in altering a pop-culture fad into a cinematic phenomenon. How did these robot toys from the 80s turned into the Transformers movies we know today? Through Michael Bay. Alien robot transforming into earth’s fancy vehicles and fighting upon our planet? It may sound cheesy, and some fanatic worshippers might think that Bay ruined it for them, but to be honest over the past few years I’ve seen it as no less than awesome. It is safe to say that nobody else could do the “Groong! Voom, Pew pew pew! BOOM! Zeep zeep zaaapp ngiiiing nging gruk graaaak!!” with this old-fashioned cartoon quite like Michael Bay. We gotta give it to him in that extent. Not giving him credits for those efforts is such a travesty of appreciation. And trust me, those are indeed the sounds of Transformers, not an Eid Al-Adh sacrifice ritual.
One of the things that made me see Dark Of The Moon as a glass that’s half-full is the way it looks. The visuals are, certainly, fantastic. What helps kick in a little juice to the awesomeness is the 3D. I don’t know whether It was the cinema here or was it the 3D-enhanced pictures that the film has, but the 3D worked unbelievably well. This is the best 3D experience I’ve had yet, even better than AVATAR. Assuming that this movie was done by dozens of people that endured the complexity of the graphic works, I’d say the visual effects artists and technicians of Dark Of The Moon did one hell of a job. I can only imagine that the costs of these astonishing visuals were some crazy late nights, short tempers, and (most probably) some love relationship that the artists were staging. Dark Of The Moonoffers some of the best action sequences I’ve seen on the big screen even when compared to its two successors. The shots were compelling, and the battle scenes really drove you to a point where you might forget that you were actually watching piles of Hollywood clichés. So visual-wise, Dark Of The Moon luckily keeps you intact and happy until the end with only two options left : Exhausted or exhilarated. Sadly, the entire movie can only survive to that level alone.
I imagine that this is what happened during the pre-production stage :
Producers: Okay, so we have the budget for the third installment of this franchise. Do you have any idea, Michael?
Bay: Don’t worry, I had it all figured out. There will be choppers, and BOOM! Decepticons attack the choppers, choppers going down, so the soldiers jumped out and fly like squirrels in dramatic slow-motions. Then there’s a battle in the highway. Then BOOM! Explosions ensue again. Bridge is destroyed in an unimaginable way. Finally there’s a giant snake-like Decepticon emerging from the ground, attacking all buildings, squeezing them and smashing them all to the ground! The battle between Autobots and Decepticons will be epic! There will be lasers, missiles, bombs, jets, thunders, canons, and..
Producers: Michael, that’s not ideas, that’s special effects!
Bay: There’s a difference?
Writer: Okay, Okay, let me help you guys. I’ve got an idea. For the past two movies we have been dealing with imaginative stories. why don’t we do it a little different this time? Let’s make something that relates with people, with our real world, and then we twist it. Many movies have done it for the past years and they were all quite impressive, right? Tarantino made the jews killed Hitler, and I heard that right now Matthew Vaughn is developing a story about mutants fighting for the cuban missile crisis. Now let’s - Bay, would you pay attention to me for god’s sakes? You’ve been.. - holy Jesus, who’s that? Victoria’s Secret model? Is that who you had in mind for Megan’s place? Man that is..
Producer: Can we continue?!?
Bay: *shocked* *closes the browsing window*
Writer: Okay, sorry. So, as I was saying, why don’t we try to make an alternate version of our history? something that can be connected with the Autobots and Decepticons. Probably something to deal with NASA’s history? Human’s first step on the moon? We can create a conspiracy based on that ground plot.
Producers: Brilliant! Let’s develop that! What do you think, Bay?
Bay: Absolutely! So Cybertron had a war, then BOOM! An aircraft that carries surviving Autobots crashed down to the moon in slow-motion. NASA discovered that aircraft, then it explodes! it burns! BOOM! and then it’s.. -
You can imagine the rest.
Now as fair as i wanted to treat this film in the first place, I still found Michael Bay to be the under-delivering zone. To me, Dark Of The Moon lacks of what made the first Transformersexciting and memorable at the same time. The ground plot was actually pretty good and better than Revenge Of The Fallen, but Bay stretched it in unnecessary ways. It was a little bit too complex for its own sakes then it broke off into more side-plots which, to me, felt like they were being forced into the big picture of what is going on without having a clear conclusion at the end about why the sub-plots were there in the first place. True, same thing happened to an almost-three-hours-long film like Nolan’s The Dark Knight, but unlike Dark Of The Moon, The Dark Knight's solid writing gave each sub-plots a proper portion and timing with a satisfying wrap-up at the end.
I was clearly able to give my full attention and follow the film, but with more than three things going at the same time - not to mention the blow-ups and the spectacle of Chicago being demolished by these mechanical beings - it’s kinda hard not to have a slight headache when walking out. Sure, Revenge Of The Fallen did fail for its lack of plot, but Michael Bay just tried so hard to squeeze a little too much this time. Eventually it made me feel like I was watching two movies in one (dude, it’s overstuffed for 154 minutes). The retro conspiracy unfolding efforts took about three-quarters of the film, and the actualTransformers’ BOOM-BOOM-CRASH ultimate showdown only took one hour worth of screen time at the end. Indeed they amazed me, but eventually it’s just, “dude, there’s a lot of destruction here and there.. it’s.. it’s just too much..”
Well, whatever. Next, the dialogues were pretty dreadful too. If there’s something that I wish Bay has completely got it taken care of are the cheesy humors and the comic-relief characters that seem to be pointless, yet they are all over the place (again). It literally made me groan, ”Come on man, not this kind of humor again. This is exactly what made the last film ugly..”
Case in point, I found John Turturro’s character to be very dispensable. He’s there being that obnoxious ex-agent of Sector Seven living the life for saving the world. But do we really need him? I don’t think so. The movie can still be done without him, yet it won’t change anything. Same thing goes to Sam’s parents. And don’t let me start on John Malkovich.
Another hassle that I found here is that Sam’s character appears to be stagnant and wasn’t developed any further. Whether Bay intentionally establish him to be that way or not, He’s still as verbose as ever and the dude just freaks out all the time (trust me, he really does). I mean, for a person who saved the world twice and earn a medal from POTUS, you’d expect him to be more in control of his panic attacks and pull himself together whilst dealing with these alien robots.
Oh well, at least Lennox nailed it.
So it seems that under Bay’s command, the writer Ehren Kruger has again drawn onTransformers’ lore for this iteration yet didn’t seem to learn what flawed the last film. But I’m not going to point fingers at that any more, because that seems to be something that the filmmakers inexplicably just can’t get right with this franchise. So be it.
What? Oh yeah, the half-full glass thing. To me Dark Of The Moon still has good things to enjoy outside the visual. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is one of them. Proved positive, the absence of Megan Fox didn’t affect anything to this franchise. There you go. Why, you ask? Well, first of all,
She’s a Victoria’s Secret model.
Secondly, frankly i never really bought the romance between Sam and Mikaela over the past two films. I never really felt any chemistry between these two lovebirds. I can only sense that Mikaela wanted to date Sam just because (well duh) he has a shiny fancy Chevrolet Camaro that can transform into a ass-kicking robot. While Rosie’s character, on the contrary, has better chemistry with Sam. You can see that she does want to date this guy and she does care about him. I could almost felt what it’s like to be Sam. I think Rosie did a well-done job in playing Sam’s new love interest once we learned that Mikaela dumped Sam years after the last movie. I found the first few scenes that introduce Rosie as Sam’s new sweetheart in Dark Of The Moon to be quite amusing. It almost felt as if Michael Bay was trying to send Megan a message that pretty much meant: "I don’t need you Megan. Rosie is hotter than you." And to be honest, another thing that I found very interesting is when one of the robots was speaking of Mikaela’s character and called her a bitch.I mean, they could’ve made a fabrication that tells how Mikaela walked out from Sam’s life. Something like death, moving out, or stuff like that. But no, they really made her character seem horrible here. I was actually surprised the film didn’t open with Mikaela’s funeral. Even though I do think that Sam’s emotional relation with any girls he ever dated in his life was never good, (his emotional contact with his trusty Bumblebee is far more moving) Rosie was more than just a replacement. So to take her side again, I do hope to see her opens up for acting career. I think she has a potential.
Another thing that I realized once I walked out of the theater is that it’s almost logical to say that the humans are dispensable in making Transformers movies. I mean, no flaws came from the robots. You can’t really judge their acting skills because all you see are probably some metal piece around the eye sockets, screws, or stuff like that moving and mimicking a talking face. Yet almost 90% of what made these movies enjoyable are the robots sticking up metals in each other’s ass. Not coming from the human characters. Optimus Prime gets to kick so much ass in this film. Leonard Nimoy voices the Autobot leader’s predecessor, Sentinel Prime, which is all sorts of geek cool. the exiled Megatron has refashioned himself as a Mad Max-style Mack Titan, while the Autobots’ Wreckers are NASCAR Chevy Impala stock cars tricked out with machine guns. Laserbeak, the Decepticon’s bird-like spy, is in this, and he’s creepy and lizard-like and awesome. And one of the most massive thing is Shockwave. This robo-god has altered my belief that probably when my religion said that at the end of the world, there will be a creature called DAJJAL descending to earth to destroy mankind, what they meant is probably Shockwave (quite an incident, because Shockwave has one eye only).
So my suggestion would be, If Bay were to make the fourth film, enough with the earthlings, let’s just bash the human characters and focus on what Transformers is all about: Autobots and Decepticons.
So I guess it comes down to this, even if you succeeded on baffling people with how your film looks, without solid writing you’d end up just somewhere in the middle. But still, this is something that everyone can go and see for the summer. I mean, who goes to see Transformers for the story? Haw haw. I’m not going to call it a popcorn-movie. ‘Pop-corn movie’ is such a negative phrase. It sounds like you hate pop-corn.
Which means you hate corn. Which means you hate America.
So I think it’s better if I just call this a Nachos movie. You know, something that you really enjoy eating but when it has too much melted cheese, it’s kinda hard to distribute the elements especially if you’re in a dark theater and wearing a 3D glasses. Yes, There you go, Dark Of The Moon is a ‘Nachos flick’.
So go and see this Nachos-flick even if you are not a fan of Bay’s works nor the robots. Even though it had a curb with its middle sequel and didn’t manage to bounce back to its first exclamation point, It has been a blast.. quite literally. You need to see this in the theater, in a 3D, or even in an IMAX. No need to see this feature with angst, It’ll just make itself harder to digest. Just lay back, turn off your phone, and let Bay take you with his own fabrication of fighting robots. So if this is really the curtain call for the Transformers franchise, I gotta say that Dark Of The Moon is not the best, but it’s great at being what it is.
Here’s a link to the official teaser trailer for Disney and PIXAR’s upcoming 13th feature film, 'BRAVE'. Set to be released in June 2012.
I saw this link tweeted by Lee Unkrich and went about seeing it gaped. Looking at the animated environment gave me chills.
This would be PIXAR’s first film that features woman protagonist (I know you just realized this significant fact because I wrote it. Now you’re recalling PIXAR’s movies one by one. And you realize that I am right. And you go ‘ah, first female protagonist, cool’)
anyway.. This would also be PIXAR’s first film that use fairy tale as the theme (medieval to be exact). I think this film will kick ass! So, enjoy!